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stripytightsTitle No Choice in the Matter
Fandom Supernatural RPF
Pairing Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Chapter: 6/6
Length: 5683
Total Length: 30,319 words
Warnings/Kinks: Hate-sex, A/B/O, dub-con, masturbation, fantasy, drunk-sex
Summary Sequel to Intolerable Cruelty. Bonded to someone he loathes, Jared has to navigate a path he never expected to follow, and to fight against something he has no choice in. FINISHED.
Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
He’s not aware of anything for a long time, and when he finally fights his way back up to consciousness, it’s to an empty hospital room. His mind was fuzzy and woozy as hell from whatever they’d jammed into his arm, but he’s still pretty sure that it’s not meant to be like this. If it’s something about their bond kicking up then they should probably be in the same room, keeping close together to soothe it. When still no-one has come after five minutes, he presses the call button, and a nurse bustles in to take his temperature and ask him how he’s feeling.
“I’m feeling fine,” he said, fairly creditably calm given the dramatics of the situation. “Where is Jensen?”
“Jensen who?” the nurse says, busy strapping on a blood pressure cuff, his eyes intent on the job.
“The man I came in with,” Jared says, his patience almost entirely frayed.
The nurse raises an eyebrow as he takes the reading. “I’m on the night-shift,” he said patiently. “You came in on a day-shift. I’ve no idea what’s happened to your companion,” then perhaps sensing a shitstorm about to start brewing- Jared was in zero mood to be accommodating right now, he held up his hands. “Let me ask at the nurse’s desk,” he said calmly. “They might know more than me.” He disappeared out the door for long enough that Jared was beginning to think it’d been a ruse to get away. When the nurse came back, there was a worried frown indented in his forehead. “He’s still sedated,” he said uncomfortably in reply to Jared’s queries. “They’re waiting for a specialist to come in for you both. You’re supposed to still be asleep as well I’m afraid.”
“I feel perfectly fine,” Jared said with assurance, though it was a complete lie- he felt like old limp noodles strung together and forced to talk. “I don’t want to be sedated again, I’d like to know what the hell is going on.” The thick oily anger that he’d felt right before this happened, was beginning to bubble up in his throat again, and the appearance of two doctors, one bearing a syringe that was presumably going to sedate him again was doing little to calm it. One grasped his arm with firm fingers despite his attempts to squirm away, and the other inserted it fast and he felt like cool ice was being pumped along his veins. Right before his eyes closed again, he propped them open just long enough to see the worried look he was being shot by all three. If they’d asked before, he could’ve told them that he’d need enough to fell a horse to keep him asleep.
The next time he woke up it was to actual pain and not just exhaustion. As he tiredly tried to focus on what was happening, he realised that there were electrodes attached to his scalp presumably for an EEG. Not wanting to jerk them out, he called out for a nurse and from out of his peripheral vision one stepped. “Keep calm,” they said, while shooting a worried glance at the monitor beside them. “It’s just a standard test, we’ll be done in no time.”
“What are you doing?” he asked through lips that felt cold and numb.
“The person who came in with you had a seizure, and we’re checking for any similar activity in your brain,” the nurse explained, eyes still focused on the monitor. “It’s possible to do while you’re asleep though it takes longer.”
Jared tried fighting the urge to let his eyes droop shut again. “Tell me what’s going on,” he said spitting out the words with difficulty like they didn’t want to leave his mouth. “I have a right to know,” and a familiar panic cut through him, surpassed the remnants of sleepiness from the shot of sedative they’d given him. He sat up, feeling at least one electrode detach from him, and the nurse was right there trying to calm him, but still not giving any answers. “I want to know,” he insisted still, “where is Jensen?”
“You need to rest,” said the nurse firmly, pressing him back down. “Jensen is still asleep.”
Jared ignored the offered placation. “Unhook me from this thing,” he said. “I’ve been asleep for hours, you must have enough data.” Methodically the nurse unhooked him and wiped the gel from his head with a tissue, since he looked ready to yank them out himself. At some point they’d changed him into a hospital gown which was infuriating in itself. His clothes were folded in the bottom of the cupboard beside him, and he struggled into them not sure of exactly what he was doing, but absolutely certain he didn’t want to be in this room..
The doctor who’d sedated him was still on shift so his second bout of sleep couldn’t have been that long. He pushed past him though and set off grimly for the reception desk. The doctor caught him by the arm. “Where do you think you’re going?” he said, and Jared yanked his arm out of his grasp and continued walking.
He hadn’t expected to see Dr Watary asleep in a chair in the waiting area, and halted in surprise. “What’s she doing here?” he asked.
“She’s your primary care physician and the only one with all the details of your case, which she wasn’t releasing until you were awake and able to consent,” the other doctor said, an involuntary sneer crossing his face, showing how meaningless he thought that particular stance was. “So she stayed on hand to help care.” At that moment Dr Watary’s eyes flickered open.
“Jared,” she said with an intake of breath, and as though she’d never been asleep, she was up and beside him in steps. “We need to talk,” she said urgently, and gave the other doctor a cold look. Jared got the feeling that more had happened while he was asleep than he was being given details of. She secured them a couple of seats in a small empty office, and gave him a brief rundown of what had happened while he was asleep. “You were a bit of an emergency case,” she said gravely, “which is why they phoned me. Unfortunately as Jensen isn’t a primary patient of mine and he hasn’t seen a doctor since this started we don’t really know what’s been going on with him. If you can fill any details that would be very helpful.”
Subdued, Jared told her everything he knew- that Jensen hadn’t said anything about feeling the same symptoms but that Jared had had the strong impression that he’d been feeling the same pain of separation as evinced by his eagerness to have sex and to spend time together. Dr Watary nodded as he finished the pathetically small recitation feeling embarrassed that he didn’t know more.
“Bonds aren’t my speciality as you know,” she said, “but whatever is going on isn’t good. Jensen’s had several small seizures even while under sedation.”
“What does that mean?” Jared asked, feeling sudden fear wash through him at the thought. If that was what was happening to Jensen, how long until it happened to him?
Dr Watary patted him gingerly, sending a wave of calm through him. “It means nothing,” she said quietly. “As far as we can tell there is no permanent damage from them, we just don’t know what they’re being caused by. Can you tell me what sparked all this off?”
“We’d just had sex,” he said bleakly and stared at his hands. “Jensen suddenly swung at me because he’d sensed another alpha and thought I’d been cheating. I fought back obviously, and then I just felt this complete and utter wave of hate. Like paralysingly so, and he just dropped and began convulsing,” he hesitated. “Do you think the two are connected?” he finally asked.
She regarded him thoughtfully as she stretched out her arms to get rid of a small cramp. “I’d be surprised if they weren’t,” she said finally, “but that doesn’t mean this is your fault. Bonding is a very peculiar time, all sorts of things can happen without very much explanation.” He was reminded, suddenly and irresistibly of Gen saying almost the same thing, and dropped his head down to his hands. The doctor said nothing for a little bit, and then said in quite a different tone. “I think we should find Jensen don’t you?”
“Will they let us in to see him?” he asked, and she stared at him for a second, until he remembered that that was part of being bonded to somebody else. He had the right to see Jensen regardless.
//
As it happened Jensen was just coming out of his larger dose of sedative, eyelids still drooping and in the stage of finding it difficult to form words, and Jared sat awkwardly beside him, unsure whether touching him would make it worse or better. It was odd seeing Jensen like this, face smoothed out and blank, tan against the white of the bed linen, strangely intrusive in a way even. “W-hat’s going on?” he said, slurred as anything, and then “water.” Jared filled a cup of it from the carafe and at a nod from Dr Watary, held it to Jensen’s lips, careful not to actually touch his skin. That was useless though as Jensen folded his fingers round Jared’s hand to hold it steady.
Jared wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting to happen if they touched again- pain perhaps, or pleasure. There was nothing though, he could feel Jensen’s skin warm against him and nothing else, except maybe a thread of worry that he couldn’t be sure came from him or from Jensen. When Jensen had finished drinking, he took the cup away and sat back. He already seemed more awake, and from the irritable twitching at the EEG leads, regaining full awareness of his surroundings. “What the hell’s going on?” he said.
Dr Watary took pity on Jared and answered for him. “There’s something wrong with your bond with Jared. You collapsed and had to be taken to hospital.” Not unlike Jared, Jensen as soon as he felt able to move at all, was sitting up and disconnecting the wires that held him in place, with no care for the increasingly urgent beeping of the machine next to him. A doctor raced into the room, and glared at them.
“This is unacceptable,” she said coldly. “You’ll have to leave if you’re going to disturb the patient.” Jensen peered at her.
“What the hell is going on?” he said, still working on getting himself free, irascibility returning visibly with every passing second.
The doctor stared at him, obviously debating the right course of action when faced with a patient so clearly uncooperative, then clearly gave up. “You have to stay,” she said, “until our specialist in bond-malformation has a chance to see you. He’s not due in until the morning so you’re going to have to rest until then. The pair of you,” she said, turning to include Jared in her look as well, and the hit of stay smacked into him like a cold salt wave. He peered at her wrist and saw the unmistakable four next to the alpha which explained it without the need for words. It didn’t seem to affect Jensen at all though, like he hadn’t even registered it. He wasn’t the only one to have noticed the tiny exchange- beside him Dr Watary shifted forwards with a frown. The doctor cleaned up Jensen, gave them all one last disapproving look then disappeared out of the door, clearly deciding not to tackle the issue of visiting hours on this particular occasion.
Dr Watary looked at . “Jensen,” she said with decision. “Where’s your ID bracelet?” It’d been taken off him presumably by a nurse and left on the side of the table with the rest of his things, and she picked it up with careful fingers and looked for a long time at it, then turned to him and said softly. “Jensen, we can’t help if you’re not truthful with us about this.” She ran a fingernail over the engraved 8, and held it out to him.
Jensen looked at her for a long long moment, and then at Jared. “This whole thing is ridiculous,” he said, “and I’m not doing it without pants.” They passed him his clothing and he struggled into it, then lay back on the bed to stare up at the featureless ceiling. “I’m not an eight,” he said finally. “A doctor faked it to pass me as one when I was a teenager. I’m actually null.” He looked at them both fiercely, daring them to make an issue of it.
“That’s not possible,” Jared said numbly, “we bonded. Nulls can’t do that.”
Jensen laughed and it was an ugly sound. “Yeah that’s what they told me as well. Do you know how few alphas are null?” The question was clearly rhetorical as he continued straight on without waiting for an answer. “Almost none. And all the ones who are? They’re in the army on thirty year contracts, or they’re in prison. We’re not supposed to be null, it’s not in our genetic makeup. You know that,” he said, addressing Dr Watary.
“It happens,” she said quietly. “I had suspected from the first when Jared told me of the initial problems, but without having you as a patient myself I couldn’t confirm it.”
Jared felt as though he was losing his footing in the sea. “I don’t understand,” he said, looking at them both in turn. “What the fuck’s going on?”
“It was you,” Jensen said and his voice was miserable. “You’re the only one I’ve ever felt. It was like this whole extra sense just suddenly appearing. Not much of it, but suddenly I could tell when you were in a room. I could smell you, and you were fucking infuriating and I didn’t know what the hell was going on. It was like sandpaper against me continually. Then you went into heat, and suddenly we were bonded and it was awful. I could feel stuff all the time and it was driving me mad.”
“You weren’t feeling much,” Dr Watary said. “Just Jared,” and she said it with a trace of pity in her voice. “It all makes sense now. Two level eights generally conflict so I wasn’t surprised that Jared didn’t get on with you, but this explains it so much better. The feedback loop being created between you would just exacerbate it.”
“If we can stop for a second,” Jared said, “Jensen was a complete fucking dick to me, and to anybody else he thought beneath his notice. I’m not actually comfortable with you saying it was because of some psi-thing. If he had a problem with me that’s one thing, but he made it clear that he didn’t even think me or anybody like me should be working near him.” He felt the familiar, strangely freeing tingle of anger that seemed to have been cropping up more and more recently.
“You weren’t exactly a basket of roses either,” Jensen retorted, his face flushing. “Always being snide and superior, like you were better than me in some way, and Jeff always playing favourites with you.”
“You sound like a child,” Jared said coldly. “Grow the hell up.”
“You cut me out of my own deal,” Jensen said, teeth gritting, “are you saying I should’ve been pleased to have that happen? It wasn’t your fucking biology, it was that you’re a fucking douche, and I was stuck with you always hanging around in my mind.”
Jared was about to reply, but Dr Watary cut in. “Stop this now,” she said, and her voice was like ice. “Are you both idiots? This is exactly what led to the incident today. The angrier you get, the more it feedbacks between you, and Jensen can’t take that sort of overload. Jared, you’ve got at least a trace of psi ability and it’s cushioning you. Jensen is completely unused to it.” She stared at them both until they looked away abashed and a little ashamed of losing their control like that.
Making an effort to damp down his anger, Jared asked the most pertinent question all over again. “How could we bond if Jensen is null? How did he feel me before we bonded?”
Dr Watary shrugged, and her face looked suddenly weary. “I can’t answer either of those questions,” she said. “Sometimes the bond malforms in unexpected ways and I expect that’s what’s happened here. We won’t know for certain until an expert has had a chance to examine you though, and that’s not happening until the morning at least.” She stood, and stretched. “I’m going to head home,” she said without preamble. “Some of us have work tomorrow.” She said it with a smile though, and Jared thanked her.
“One last question,” Jensen said as she headed for the door. “What happens next?”
She paused, but didn’t turn back to him. “That’s up to you two,” she said carefully. “You’re the only ones that can decide.”
When she was gone, Jared slumped back in his chair and stared into space. “Going to head back to my room,” he said eventually. “No point having a dent made in my insurance and not using the fruits.” It was an effort to head out of the room, for reasons he didn’t want to examine too closely, and sleep didn’t come easily. The thought of what awaited him in the morning, had his stomach roiling with emotions he couldn’t identify properly. His previous conversation with Dr Watary kept echoing round and round his head, and the terrifying solution she’d proposed as a possible answer to their situation was looking more and more like a possibility.
He wasn’t entirely sure at what time he dropped off, but when he was woken in the morning by a nurse with his breakfast, his eyes still felt rough and gritty from lack of sleep, and there was a flutter of fear that seemed to have set up permanent residence in his stomach. When the message came that the doctor was ready to see him it was almost a relief.
The man who greeted him was almost intimidatingly tall, at least two inches taller than Jared even which was a truly novel feeling, but he seemed quietly affable and introduced himself as Eric. From instinctive habit Jared glanced at his bracelet and noted that he was a rare two, and an alpha of course. Nearly all the highest ranked empaths were alphas, which was partly why it was so bizarre that Jensen was a null, as defective in his own way as Jared was considered to be by much of the world. He sat down, and waited for the inevitable flood of feeling. Level Two’s could project strongly, he knew that much from Science Today articles, though he’d never actually met someone this highly ranked before.
He could feel absolutely nothing though, and Eric explained that first thing. “I’m interested in your natural emotions Jared, so I’m dampening everything else to get a proper and accurate sense of both your rating, and what’s going on with you. Once that’s done, with your permission, I’m going to touch your head and your wrist and try and garner some more information.” He waited for a second for Jared to absorb that information. “If at any point you want to stop, I’ll need you to verbalise it since there’s always a natural resistance against this. Once we’re done, you’ll have a chance to recuperate in a separate room while I interview Jensen, then I’ll observe you both and with any luck will have teased out the root cause of the problem. Do you understand and consent to this?”
Jared nodded, and watched as Eric closed his eyes, though he felt fairly stupid just sitting there and waiting. He watched the clock tick past the minutes, and wondered vaguely if he was supposed to feel anything in this time. After four minutes, Eric opened his eyes and nodded, then sat on a chair in front of Jared, leaning forward until he was just inches away, to spread a hand on his head, the other finding the pulse point in Jared’s wrist with ease. Now Jared could feel something for definite, a heavy pushing sensation against his temples, a lowering ominous feeling that he disliked in the extreme. “Can you read thoughts?” he asked, since Eric had said nothing about being silent.
“Not as such,” Eric replied absently, his eyes emptying of thought as he forged ahead. “I’m going to need a moment okay?” Though his palms were light as a feather against Jared’s skin physically, it felt like he was grinding his way through Jared’s head, sensations chasing each other so fast that he couldn’t analyse whether it was pain he was feeling, or just a complete disruption in his thoughts, and it wasn’t dying down, just growing more intense until he wasn’t sure that he could take it anymore. He was on the point of tapping out, when Eric finally removed his hands, and breathed out deeply as he moved his chair away, picked up a pen and began rapidly scrawling his initial impressions. “Thanks,” he said to Jared. “If you want to pop out to the waiting room, and send Jensen in after ten minutes, it’d be appreciated.” He looked pretty terrible, lines under his eyes etched in deeper and a little sweat beading on his brow as he patted it dry with a tissue.
Jared headed out to the waiting room, where Jensen was sitting with a magazine, looking in substantially better shape than he had the night before. They acknowledged each other’s presence with awkward nods, and Jared sat in the chair beside him, feeling like he could do with the warmth of someone else beside him, even Jensen, after the thorough going over he’d just undergone. “How bad was it?” Jensen asked, still flicking through the magazine.
“Bearable,” Jared said with a shrug. “And if it helps get this sorted then all the better. Also, he’ll see you in about ten minutes,” he said.
“Cool,” Jensen replied, and they sat there in awkward silence a little bit longer, Jared darting surreptitious glances at Jensen from the corner of his eye. When Jensen finally headed in, he picked up the discarded magazine and read it with as little interest. Apple Morris and Darren Watson were apparently planning a summer wedding according to it, which seemed like moving fast to him. They’d only done their grand reveal a week ago after all. He’d resorted to playing with his cell surreptitiously, avoiding the beady eye of the receptionist. Jensen was in rather longer than he had been, and when he came out, he was pale, freckles that Jared had never even noticed before standing out on his skin. He slumped back down beside Jared. “Fucking liar,” he said with no heat in his voice.
Jared shot him a look, and then from the goodness of his heart secured him a paper cup of water. “What did he say?” he asked Jensen with interest, but Jensen just shook his head, and slouched in his chair. Jared didn’t press the issue- they’d find out soon enough after all. When their hands brushed though, whether it was the recent encounter with a level two or the deepness of the contact, it sent a sharp stinging touch through him like his skin was too abraded to withstand any closeness at all, and this time Jensen seemed to feel it as well- he whipped his hand away with a startled look.
After they were called back in, this time together, Jared spotted what looked like the results of the brain scans from earlier spready on Eric’s desk, and he held his hands together to prevent any trembling in them. “What’s the news?” he asked, voice deceptively steady, enough to fool Jensen he thought, though he doubted Eric would be taken in for a second.
“Not great,” Eric said honestly. He spread open his hands as though to illustrate what he was saying. “ We can’t actually explain how you bonded at all. What we do know for certain though is that Jensen’s brain is creating additional neural pathways to accommodate this new bond and the attendant emotions. It happened too fast which prompted the minor seizures, and the negativity between you has warped it somewhat. Spending so much time apart after the initial formation wasn’t healthy, and the bond itself is definitely malformed. Only negative emotions- grief, rage, anxiety are passing between you, and that’s not the way it should be working at all, especially since you’re just magnifying them and returning them back between you.”
“What does that mean for us?” Jensen asks, and he’s focused and intent on the answer.
Eric folded his lips a little before he answered. “It’s not very good news. With enough constant psi therapy you can improve your general quality of life. You’ll be able to touch each other and be away from each other without feeling terrible. But it’ll be a very long road, very expensive and with a lot of setbacks. What’s happening with your brain Jensen is atypical in the extreme, and Jared is beginning to experience some of the same symptoms as both your brains attempt to create a full bond without the necessary resources.” He looked at Jared with what he said next. “It’s not going to help that you’re not a traditional Omega.”
He said it purely without judgement, but Jared’s hackles shot up anyway. “Why?” he said defensively. “Because I’m not going to drop everything in my life to make this better?” His voice was hard and angry.
“Not really,” said Eric calmly. “Your brain is set into certain patterns and routines and you’re very fixed as a person. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, but it does mean that a certain flexibility and give has been sacrificed that might have aided this bond in the long run.”
“Fair exchange as far as I’m concerned,” Jared said with a shrug. “I’m more concerned with my happiness than making life easier for everybody else around me. If I was set on doing that I’d have bonded out of high-school.” He didn’t really see much point in lying about that.
“Thanks,” Jensen said, voice thick with sarcasm. “You’re not the one who is going to get the shitty end of this stick.”
“Makes a change,” Jared replied, and they glared at each other.
Eric’s voice recalled them to the more vital area of discussion. “I’m given to understand that you’ve discussed your options with your primary care provider Dr Watary, Jared,” his voice was neutral, but Jared thought he sensed the intent behind it. Eric slid a card across the desk towards him. “She informed me that you had been given an unorthodox option. Should you choose to take this up then this person may be of use to you,” his face was blank as though what he was doing was perfectly normal. Jared picked up the card and tucked it in his pocket.
“Thanks,” he said, and barely heard the rest of the discussion- Jensen quizzing the doctor about any options that they might have. He tuned them out to focus on the burning weight of the card in his pocket. Un-bonding. It was the stuff of horror stories, and moralistic tales about the damage people had done to themselves and to others in attempting to harm the truest, purest form of love between two people. Which really he cared fuck all about. All he wanted to know was did it work?
It was all he could think about, even as he went back to his room to pick up his stuff- they were being discharged now that Jensen seemed to have stabilised, that and how to introduce it as an option to Jensen. As it turned out he didn’t have to. They had to take a cab back to Jared’s house, and Jensen was the one who brought it up when they arrived back and had armed themselves with coffee and food.
“Why do we have to do this?” he said, looking at Jared like he expected him to argue. “Seriously. If we put an end to it now, then I don’t lose my fucking mind trying to process stuff that I wasn’t meant to process, and you get to go and do whatever you want to do. I know it can be done, I’ve heard about them trialling it in Europe.”
Jared hesitated and then took the plunge, shared all the information he had with Jensen, and produced the card. They both let it sink in properly, then stared at each other in the one moment of true amity that they’d ever had. The irony didn’t escape Jared that the one time they completely agreed with each other was in trying to separate forever. Before he lost his nerve he said what they were both thinking. “We should phone. The quicker we do this, the fewer long term implications for us both.” He pushed the card over to Jensen. “Go on,” he said with a smirk, and Jensen gave him the finger but took it anyway and dialled the number.
Jared could only hear one side of the conversation, but that was enough to leave him tense with excitement, and scared with the possibilities that were unfolding in front of them, and when Jensen put down the phone and nodded, his own eyes bright with too many emotions, he had to breathe in deep to calm himself.
That night they had sex, knowing in their bones that this was one of the final times that they’d ever do so. It was slower and longer than they’d made it before, and they managed to actually make it to a bed. As Jensen pushed inside him, Jared closed his eyes too conflicted with various emotions to be able to look at Jensen. Most of him was thankful this was coming to an end. No more fighting, no more loathing, no more having to adjust everything about his life to fit Jensen in. Yet some small animal part of himself cried out against it, begged him to reconsider. This was his bonded. Against all the reasons he could muster, still part of him protested and pleaded, mad with fear at the idea of sacrificing this, however broken it was between them. He squashed it down ruthlessly, but still it insisted on rearing it’s head, and even coming couldn’t drive it away as he lay there still and quiet beside a Jensen who didn’t say a word.
// A week later
Jared felt slightly ridiculous, sitting there cross-legged on the floor while the person they’d been recommended drifted around the room, closing curtains and turning on music. He knew better than to underestimate her though, and her words still hung in the room. “You’ll still be legally bonded,” she said calmly, “there’s no way to change that without leaving yourself open to potential prosecution. But you’ll be separate again” While she set up the room to her optimal working conditions (apparently the dark relaxed her) she reminded them for the fourth time over the ultimate consequences of this. The loss of any psi-ability at all- and she’d explained in detail what that would mean, the impossibility of ever bonding again, no children for Jared at least, and the attendant life-changes.
For the fourth time he agreed and nodded to her words- he’d already signed every possible waiver and document necessary, witnessed by a thin lawyer who didn’t bat an eyelid at what he was being asked to sign, and Jensen murmured his agreement along as well. When everything was ready, she knelt down beside them both and placed a cool hand on each of their foreheads. As though she were a channel, Jared felt everything that Jensen was feeling at this moment- fear, excitement and a deep underlying sense of loss, and knew that Jensen could probably feel exactly the same things coming from him. He bit back the insane urge to tell her to stop this, that they’d work it out. This was what he’d asked for. This was for the best.
When he felt it actually begin, the terror increased. It felt like lights were being shut off in his brain, and without even realising it he groped for Jensen’s hand, only to find it seeking his own. This time unlike Eric’s initial probe, there was no pain, just utter blinding loss as he lost feeling after feeling, as though his neural pathways were being painlessly cauterised. His tongue felt glued to his mouth, as he fought to scream, to plead and shout no, to beg her to stop this. Words hadn’t been enough to describe this, he realised now how stupid, how foolish he’d been to think he could understand what this felt like. Then it was done, and he couldn’t feel anything. He was alone in the dark, and he felt a scream clawing it’s way up his throat. He couldn’t see anything, couldn’t hear anything, he was trapped in it.
Then the woman threw open the curtains, and light flooded in and he realised he wasn’t blind, and as his ears adjusted that he could hear. He just couldn’t feel anything. Everything he’d taken for granted his entire life had vanished. He’d joked about being null, sometimes even believed it, but hadn’t even known that there was a subconscious current of life that he picked up, around himself always- the vague presence of others, wisps of emotions that got through, that were now completely gone.
“Did you feel like this all the time?” he asked Jensen haltingly, his voice rusty and sore as though at some point he had screamed. He didn’t need to explain what he meant.
Jensen nodded. “Always,” he said. “It won’t be hard to get used to.”
Jared looked at Jensen properly, for the first time ever saw him objectively- the handsome tired face, more lined now, the eyes clear and worried as they looked at him. There was no tangle of emotion, no love, no hate, no need or lust or want between them. He looked normal, Jared realised. Like a person you could like or dislike, not someone to build up out of all proportion. He looked down and realised Jensen’s hands were still in his. All he could feel was warm skin against his own, nothing else. No pain, no pleasure, nothing else. He drew in a deep shuddering breath, and closed his eyes for a moment.
Jensen squeezed tighter for a second before he let go. “Jared,” he said quietly. “Come out on a date with me?”
Taken back by the last thing he’d ever have expected to hear, Jared blinked at him. “What?” he said, and winced at how stupid that sounded.
“You don’t have to,” Jensen, “and I don’t either. I’m asking you if you want us to find each other out better like this. No obligation.”
Already, Jared realised he had to go only on how things looked. And Jensen looked sincere, like he wanted to try this. Like they were the only two people in the world who knew exactly how this felt. Who’d been through this every step of the way. He remembered the warmth of Jensen's hand through it all, holding on tight as everything slipped away.“Yeah,” he said, hesitantly, then more firmly, ‘yeah I’d like to try that.”
THE END
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Regardless of when you're reading this, feedback/crit always appreciated.
Fandom Supernatural RPF
Pairing Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Chapter: 6/6
Length: 5683
Total Length: 30,319 words
Warnings/Kinks: Hate-sex, A/B/O, dub-con, masturbation, fantasy, drunk-sex
Summary Sequel to Intolerable Cruelty. Bonded to someone he loathes, Jared has to navigate a path he never expected to follow, and to fight against something he has no choice in. FINISHED.
Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
He’s not aware of anything for a long time, and when he finally fights his way back up to consciousness, it’s to an empty hospital room. His mind was fuzzy and woozy as hell from whatever they’d jammed into his arm, but he’s still pretty sure that it’s not meant to be like this. If it’s something about their bond kicking up then they should probably be in the same room, keeping close together to soothe it. When still no-one has come after five minutes, he presses the call button, and a nurse bustles in to take his temperature and ask him how he’s feeling.
“I’m feeling fine,” he said, fairly creditably calm given the dramatics of the situation. “Where is Jensen?”
“Jensen who?” the nurse says, busy strapping on a blood pressure cuff, his eyes intent on the job.
“The man I came in with,” Jared says, his patience almost entirely frayed.
The nurse raises an eyebrow as he takes the reading. “I’m on the night-shift,” he said patiently. “You came in on a day-shift. I’ve no idea what’s happened to your companion,” then perhaps sensing a shitstorm about to start brewing- Jared was in zero mood to be accommodating right now, he held up his hands. “Let me ask at the nurse’s desk,” he said calmly. “They might know more than me.” He disappeared out the door for long enough that Jared was beginning to think it’d been a ruse to get away. When the nurse came back, there was a worried frown indented in his forehead. “He’s still sedated,” he said uncomfortably in reply to Jared’s queries. “They’re waiting for a specialist to come in for you both. You’re supposed to still be asleep as well I’m afraid.”
“I feel perfectly fine,” Jared said with assurance, though it was a complete lie- he felt like old limp noodles strung together and forced to talk. “I don’t want to be sedated again, I’d like to know what the hell is going on.” The thick oily anger that he’d felt right before this happened, was beginning to bubble up in his throat again, and the appearance of two doctors, one bearing a syringe that was presumably going to sedate him again was doing little to calm it. One grasped his arm with firm fingers despite his attempts to squirm away, and the other inserted it fast and he felt like cool ice was being pumped along his veins. Right before his eyes closed again, he propped them open just long enough to see the worried look he was being shot by all three. If they’d asked before, he could’ve told them that he’d need enough to fell a horse to keep him asleep.
The next time he woke up it was to actual pain and not just exhaustion. As he tiredly tried to focus on what was happening, he realised that there were electrodes attached to his scalp presumably for an EEG. Not wanting to jerk them out, he called out for a nurse and from out of his peripheral vision one stepped. “Keep calm,” they said, while shooting a worried glance at the monitor beside them. “It’s just a standard test, we’ll be done in no time.”
“What are you doing?” he asked through lips that felt cold and numb.
“The person who came in with you had a seizure, and we’re checking for any similar activity in your brain,” the nurse explained, eyes still focused on the monitor. “It’s possible to do while you’re asleep though it takes longer.”
Jared tried fighting the urge to let his eyes droop shut again. “Tell me what’s going on,” he said spitting out the words with difficulty like they didn’t want to leave his mouth. “I have a right to know,” and a familiar panic cut through him, surpassed the remnants of sleepiness from the shot of sedative they’d given him. He sat up, feeling at least one electrode detach from him, and the nurse was right there trying to calm him, but still not giving any answers. “I want to know,” he insisted still, “where is Jensen?”
“You need to rest,” said the nurse firmly, pressing him back down. “Jensen is still asleep.”
Jared ignored the offered placation. “Unhook me from this thing,” he said. “I’ve been asleep for hours, you must have enough data.” Methodically the nurse unhooked him and wiped the gel from his head with a tissue, since he looked ready to yank them out himself. At some point they’d changed him into a hospital gown which was infuriating in itself. His clothes were folded in the bottom of the cupboard beside him, and he struggled into them not sure of exactly what he was doing, but absolutely certain he didn’t want to be in this room..
The doctor who’d sedated him was still on shift so his second bout of sleep couldn’t have been that long. He pushed past him though and set off grimly for the reception desk. The doctor caught him by the arm. “Where do you think you’re going?” he said, and Jared yanked his arm out of his grasp and continued walking.
He hadn’t expected to see Dr Watary asleep in a chair in the waiting area, and halted in surprise. “What’s she doing here?” he asked.
“She’s your primary care physician and the only one with all the details of your case, which she wasn’t releasing until you were awake and able to consent,” the other doctor said, an involuntary sneer crossing his face, showing how meaningless he thought that particular stance was. “So she stayed on hand to help care.” At that moment Dr Watary’s eyes flickered open.
“Jared,” she said with an intake of breath, and as though she’d never been asleep, she was up and beside him in steps. “We need to talk,” she said urgently, and gave the other doctor a cold look. Jared got the feeling that more had happened while he was asleep than he was being given details of. She secured them a couple of seats in a small empty office, and gave him a brief rundown of what had happened while he was asleep. “You were a bit of an emergency case,” she said gravely, “which is why they phoned me. Unfortunately as Jensen isn’t a primary patient of mine and he hasn’t seen a doctor since this started we don’t really know what’s been going on with him. If you can fill any details that would be very helpful.”
Subdued, Jared told her everything he knew- that Jensen hadn’t said anything about feeling the same symptoms but that Jared had had the strong impression that he’d been feeling the same pain of separation as evinced by his eagerness to have sex and to spend time together. Dr Watary nodded as he finished the pathetically small recitation feeling embarrassed that he didn’t know more.
“Bonds aren’t my speciality as you know,” she said, “but whatever is going on isn’t good. Jensen’s had several small seizures even while under sedation.”
“What does that mean?” Jared asked, feeling sudden fear wash through him at the thought. If that was what was happening to Jensen, how long until it happened to him?
Dr Watary patted him gingerly, sending a wave of calm through him. “It means nothing,” she said quietly. “As far as we can tell there is no permanent damage from them, we just don’t know what they’re being caused by. Can you tell me what sparked all this off?”
“We’d just had sex,” he said bleakly and stared at his hands. “Jensen suddenly swung at me because he’d sensed another alpha and thought I’d been cheating. I fought back obviously, and then I just felt this complete and utter wave of hate. Like paralysingly so, and he just dropped and began convulsing,” he hesitated. “Do you think the two are connected?” he finally asked.
She regarded him thoughtfully as she stretched out her arms to get rid of a small cramp. “I’d be surprised if they weren’t,” she said finally, “but that doesn’t mean this is your fault. Bonding is a very peculiar time, all sorts of things can happen without very much explanation.” He was reminded, suddenly and irresistibly of Gen saying almost the same thing, and dropped his head down to his hands. The doctor said nothing for a little bit, and then said in quite a different tone. “I think we should find Jensen don’t you?”
“Will they let us in to see him?” he asked, and she stared at him for a second, until he remembered that that was part of being bonded to somebody else. He had the right to see Jensen regardless.
//
As it happened Jensen was just coming out of his larger dose of sedative, eyelids still drooping and in the stage of finding it difficult to form words, and Jared sat awkwardly beside him, unsure whether touching him would make it worse or better. It was odd seeing Jensen like this, face smoothed out and blank, tan against the white of the bed linen, strangely intrusive in a way even. “W-hat’s going on?” he said, slurred as anything, and then “water.” Jared filled a cup of it from the carafe and at a nod from Dr Watary, held it to Jensen’s lips, careful not to actually touch his skin. That was useless though as Jensen folded his fingers round Jared’s hand to hold it steady.
Jared wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting to happen if they touched again- pain perhaps, or pleasure. There was nothing though, he could feel Jensen’s skin warm against him and nothing else, except maybe a thread of worry that he couldn’t be sure came from him or from Jensen. When Jensen had finished drinking, he took the cup away and sat back. He already seemed more awake, and from the irritable twitching at the EEG leads, regaining full awareness of his surroundings. “What the hell’s going on?” he said.
Dr Watary took pity on Jared and answered for him. “There’s something wrong with your bond with Jared. You collapsed and had to be taken to hospital.” Not unlike Jared, Jensen as soon as he felt able to move at all, was sitting up and disconnecting the wires that held him in place, with no care for the increasingly urgent beeping of the machine next to him. A doctor raced into the room, and glared at them.
“This is unacceptable,” she said coldly. “You’ll have to leave if you’re going to disturb the patient.” Jensen peered at her.
“What the hell is going on?” he said, still working on getting himself free, irascibility returning visibly with every passing second.
The doctor stared at him, obviously debating the right course of action when faced with a patient so clearly uncooperative, then clearly gave up. “You have to stay,” she said, “until our specialist in bond-malformation has a chance to see you. He’s not due in until the morning so you’re going to have to rest until then. The pair of you,” she said, turning to include Jared in her look as well, and the hit of stay smacked into him like a cold salt wave. He peered at her wrist and saw the unmistakable four next to the alpha which explained it without the need for words. It didn’t seem to affect Jensen at all though, like he hadn’t even registered it. He wasn’t the only one to have noticed the tiny exchange- beside him Dr Watary shifted forwards with a frown. The doctor cleaned up Jensen, gave them all one last disapproving look then disappeared out of the door, clearly deciding not to tackle the issue of visiting hours on this particular occasion.
Dr Watary looked at . “Jensen,” she said with decision. “Where’s your ID bracelet?” It’d been taken off him presumably by a nurse and left on the side of the table with the rest of his things, and she picked it up with careful fingers and looked for a long time at it, then turned to him and said softly. “Jensen, we can’t help if you’re not truthful with us about this.” She ran a fingernail over the engraved 8, and held it out to him.
Jensen looked at her for a long long moment, and then at Jared. “This whole thing is ridiculous,” he said, “and I’m not doing it without pants.” They passed him his clothing and he struggled into it, then lay back on the bed to stare up at the featureless ceiling. “I’m not an eight,” he said finally. “A doctor faked it to pass me as one when I was a teenager. I’m actually null.” He looked at them both fiercely, daring them to make an issue of it.
“That’s not possible,” Jared said numbly, “we bonded. Nulls can’t do that.”
Jensen laughed and it was an ugly sound. “Yeah that’s what they told me as well. Do you know how few alphas are null?” The question was clearly rhetorical as he continued straight on without waiting for an answer. “Almost none. And all the ones who are? They’re in the army on thirty year contracts, or they’re in prison. We’re not supposed to be null, it’s not in our genetic makeup. You know that,” he said, addressing Dr Watary.
“It happens,” she said quietly. “I had suspected from the first when Jared told me of the initial problems, but without having you as a patient myself I couldn’t confirm it.”
Jared felt as though he was losing his footing in the sea. “I don’t understand,” he said, looking at them both in turn. “What the fuck’s going on?”
“It was you,” Jensen said and his voice was miserable. “You’re the only one I’ve ever felt. It was like this whole extra sense just suddenly appearing. Not much of it, but suddenly I could tell when you were in a room. I could smell you, and you were fucking infuriating and I didn’t know what the hell was going on. It was like sandpaper against me continually. Then you went into heat, and suddenly we were bonded and it was awful. I could feel stuff all the time and it was driving me mad.”
“You weren’t feeling much,” Dr Watary said. “Just Jared,” and she said it with a trace of pity in her voice. “It all makes sense now. Two level eights generally conflict so I wasn’t surprised that Jared didn’t get on with you, but this explains it so much better. The feedback loop being created between you would just exacerbate it.”
“If we can stop for a second,” Jared said, “Jensen was a complete fucking dick to me, and to anybody else he thought beneath his notice. I’m not actually comfortable with you saying it was because of some psi-thing. If he had a problem with me that’s one thing, but he made it clear that he didn’t even think me or anybody like me should be working near him.” He felt the familiar, strangely freeing tingle of anger that seemed to have been cropping up more and more recently.
“You weren’t exactly a basket of roses either,” Jensen retorted, his face flushing. “Always being snide and superior, like you were better than me in some way, and Jeff always playing favourites with you.”
“You sound like a child,” Jared said coldly. “Grow the hell up.”
“You cut me out of my own deal,” Jensen said, teeth gritting, “are you saying I should’ve been pleased to have that happen? It wasn’t your fucking biology, it was that you’re a fucking douche, and I was stuck with you always hanging around in my mind.”
Jared was about to reply, but Dr Watary cut in. “Stop this now,” she said, and her voice was like ice. “Are you both idiots? This is exactly what led to the incident today. The angrier you get, the more it feedbacks between you, and Jensen can’t take that sort of overload. Jared, you’ve got at least a trace of psi ability and it’s cushioning you. Jensen is completely unused to it.” She stared at them both until they looked away abashed and a little ashamed of losing their control like that.
Making an effort to damp down his anger, Jared asked the most pertinent question all over again. “How could we bond if Jensen is null? How did he feel me before we bonded?”
Dr Watary shrugged, and her face looked suddenly weary. “I can’t answer either of those questions,” she said. “Sometimes the bond malforms in unexpected ways and I expect that’s what’s happened here. We won’t know for certain until an expert has had a chance to examine you though, and that’s not happening until the morning at least.” She stood, and stretched. “I’m going to head home,” she said without preamble. “Some of us have work tomorrow.” She said it with a smile though, and Jared thanked her.
“One last question,” Jensen said as she headed for the door. “What happens next?”
She paused, but didn’t turn back to him. “That’s up to you two,” she said carefully. “You’re the only ones that can decide.”
When she was gone, Jared slumped back in his chair and stared into space. “Going to head back to my room,” he said eventually. “No point having a dent made in my insurance and not using the fruits.” It was an effort to head out of the room, for reasons he didn’t want to examine too closely, and sleep didn’t come easily. The thought of what awaited him in the morning, had his stomach roiling with emotions he couldn’t identify properly. His previous conversation with Dr Watary kept echoing round and round his head, and the terrifying solution she’d proposed as a possible answer to their situation was looking more and more like a possibility.
He wasn’t entirely sure at what time he dropped off, but when he was woken in the morning by a nurse with his breakfast, his eyes still felt rough and gritty from lack of sleep, and there was a flutter of fear that seemed to have set up permanent residence in his stomach. When the message came that the doctor was ready to see him it was almost a relief.
The man who greeted him was almost intimidatingly tall, at least two inches taller than Jared even which was a truly novel feeling, but he seemed quietly affable and introduced himself as Eric. From instinctive habit Jared glanced at his bracelet and noted that he was a rare two, and an alpha of course. Nearly all the highest ranked empaths were alphas, which was partly why it was so bizarre that Jensen was a null, as defective in his own way as Jared was considered to be by much of the world. He sat down, and waited for the inevitable flood of feeling. Level Two’s could project strongly, he knew that much from Science Today articles, though he’d never actually met someone this highly ranked before.
He could feel absolutely nothing though, and Eric explained that first thing. “I’m interested in your natural emotions Jared, so I’m dampening everything else to get a proper and accurate sense of both your rating, and what’s going on with you. Once that’s done, with your permission, I’m going to touch your head and your wrist and try and garner some more information.” He waited for a second for Jared to absorb that information. “If at any point you want to stop, I’ll need you to verbalise it since there’s always a natural resistance against this. Once we’re done, you’ll have a chance to recuperate in a separate room while I interview Jensen, then I’ll observe you both and with any luck will have teased out the root cause of the problem. Do you understand and consent to this?”
Jared nodded, and watched as Eric closed his eyes, though he felt fairly stupid just sitting there and waiting. He watched the clock tick past the minutes, and wondered vaguely if he was supposed to feel anything in this time. After four minutes, Eric opened his eyes and nodded, then sat on a chair in front of Jared, leaning forward until he was just inches away, to spread a hand on his head, the other finding the pulse point in Jared’s wrist with ease. Now Jared could feel something for definite, a heavy pushing sensation against his temples, a lowering ominous feeling that he disliked in the extreme. “Can you read thoughts?” he asked, since Eric had said nothing about being silent.
“Not as such,” Eric replied absently, his eyes emptying of thought as he forged ahead. “I’m going to need a moment okay?” Though his palms were light as a feather against Jared’s skin physically, it felt like he was grinding his way through Jared’s head, sensations chasing each other so fast that he couldn’t analyse whether it was pain he was feeling, or just a complete disruption in his thoughts, and it wasn’t dying down, just growing more intense until he wasn’t sure that he could take it anymore. He was on the point of tapping out, when Eric finally removed his hands, and breathed out deeply as he moved his chair away, picked up a pen and began rapidly scrawling his initial impressions. “Thanks,” he said to Jared. “If you want to pop out to the waiting room, and send Jensen in after ten minutes, it’d be appreciated.” He looked pretty terrible, lines under his eyes etched in deeper and a little sweat beading on his brow as he patted it dry with a tissue.
Jared headed out to the waiting room, where Jensen was sitting with a magazine, looking in substantially better shape than he had the night before. They acknowledged each other’s presence with awkward nods, and Jared sat in the chair beside him, feeling like he could do with the warmth of someone else beside him, even Jensen, after the thorough going over he’d just undergone. “How bad was it?” Jensen asked, still flicking through the magazine.
“Bearable,” Jared said with a shrug. “And if it helps get this sorted then all the better. Also, he’ll see you in about ten minutes,” he said.
“Cool,” Jensen replied, and they sat there in awkward silence a little bit longer, Jared darting surreptitious glances at Jensen from the corner of his eye. When Jensen finally headed in, he picked up the discarded magazine and read it with as little interest. Apple Morris and Darren Watson were apparently planning a summer wedding according to it, which seemed like moving fast to him. They’d only done their grand reveal a week ago after all. He’d resorted to playing with his cell surreptitiously, avoiding the beady eye of the receptionist. Jensen was in rather longer than he had been, and when he came out, he was pale, freckles that Jared had never even noticed before standing out on his skin. He slumped back down beside Jared. “Fucking liar,” he said with no heat in his voice.
Jared shot him a look, and then from the goodness of his heart secured him a paper cup of water. “What did he say?” he asked Jensen with interest, but Jensen just shook his head, and slouched in his chair. Jared didn’t press the issue- they’d find out soon enough after all. When their hands brushed though, whether it was the recent encounter with a level two or the deepness of the contact, it sent a sharp stinging touch through him like his skin was too abraded to withstand any closeness at all, and this time Jensen seemed to feel it as well- he whipped his hand away with a startled look.
After they were called back in, this time together, Jared spotted what looked like the results of the brain scans from earlier spready on Eric’s desk, and he held his hands together to prevent any trembling in them. “What’s the news?” he asked, voice deceptively steady, enough to fool Jensen he thought, though he doubted Eric would be taken in for a second.
“Not great,” Eric said honestly. He spread open his hands as though to illustrate what he was saying. “ We can’t actually explain how you bonded at all. What we do know for certain though is that Jensen’s brain is creating additional neural pathways to accommodate this new bond and the attendant emotions. It happened too fast which prompted the minor seizures, and the negativity between you has warped it somewhat. Spending so much time apart after the initial formation wasn’t healthy, and the bond itself is definitely malformed. Only negative emotions- grief, rage, anxiety are passing between you, and that’s not the way it should be working at all, especially since you’re just magnifying them and returning them back between you.”
“What does that mean for us?” Jensen asks, and he’s focused and intent on the answer.
Eric folded his lips a little before he answered. “It’s not very good news. With enough constant psi therapy you can improve your general quality of life. You’ll be able to touch each other and be away from each other without feeling terrible. But it’ll be a very long road, very expensive and with a lot of setbacks. What’s happening with your brain Jensen is atypical in the extreme, and Jared is beginning to experience some of the same symptoms as both your brains attempt to create a full bond without the necessary resources.” He looked at Jared with what he said next. “It’s not going to help that you’re not a traditional Omega.”
He said it purely without judgement, but Jared’s hackles shot up anyway. “Why?” he said defensively. “Because I’m not going to drop everything in my life to make this better?” His voice was hard and angry.
“Not really,” said Eric calmly. “Your brain is set into certain patterns and routines and you’re very fixed as a person. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, but it does mean that a certain flexibility and give has been sacrificed that might have aided this bond in the long run.”
“Fair exchange as far as I’m concerned,” Jared said with a shrug. “I’m more concerned with my happiness than making life easier for everybody else around me. If I was set on doing that I’d have bonded out of high-school.” He didn’t really see much point in lying about that.
“Thanks,” Jensen said, voice thick with sarcasm. “You’re not the one who is going to get the shitty end of this stick.”
“Makes a change,” Jared replied, and they glared at each other.
Eric’s voice recalled them to the more vital area of discussion. “I’m given to understand that you’ve discussed your options with your primary care provider Dr Watary, Jared,” his voice was neutral, but Jared thought he sensed the intent behind it. Eric slid a card across the desk towards him. “She informed me that you had been given an unorthodox option. Should you choose to take this up then this person may be of use to you,” his face was blank as though what he was doing was perfectly normal. Jared picked up the card and tucked it in his pocket.
“Thanks,” he said, and barely heard the rest of the discussion- Jensen quizzing the doctor about any options that they might have. He tuned them out to focus on the burning weight of the card in his pocket. Un-bonding. It was the stuff of horror stories, and moralistic tales about the damage people had done to themselves and to others in attempting to harm the truest, purest form of love between two people. Which really he cared fuck all about. All he wanted to know was did it work?
It was all he could think about, even as he went back to his room to pick up his stuff- they were being discharged now that Jensen seemed to have stabilised, that and how to introduce it as an option to Jensen. As it turned out he didn’t have to. They had to take a cab back to Jared’s house, and Jensen was the one who brought it up when they arrived back and had armed themselves with coffee and food.
“Why do we have to do this?” he said, looking at Jared like he expected him to argue. “Seriously. If we put an end to it now, then I don’t lose my fucking mind trying to process stuff that I wasn’t meant to process, and you get to go and do whatever you want to do. I know it can be done, I’ve heard about them trialling it in Europe.”
Jared hesitated and then took the plunge, shared all the information he had with Jensen, and produced the card. They both let it sink in properly, then stared at each other in the one moment of true amity that they’d ever had. The irony didn’t escape Jared that the one time they completely agreed with each other was in trying to separate forever. Before he lost his nerve he said what they were both thinking. “We should phone. The quicker we do this, the fewer long term implications for us both.” He pushed the card over to Jensen. “Go on,” he said with a smirk, and Jensen gave him the finger but took it anyway and dialled the number.
Jared could only hear one side of the conversation, but that was enough to leave him tense with excitement, and scared with the possibilities that were unfolding in front of them, and when Jensen put down the phone and nodded, his own eyes bright with too many emotions, he had to breathe in deep to calm himself.
That night they had sex, knowing in their bones that this was one of the final times that they’d ever do so. It was slower and longer than they’d made it before, and they managed to actually make it to a bed. As Jensen pushed inside him, Jared closed his eyes too conflicted with various emotions to be able to look at Jensen. Most of him was thankful this was coming to an end. No more fighting, no more loathing, no more having to adjust everything about his life to fit Jensen in. Yet some small animal part of himself cried out against it, begged him to reconsider. This was his bonded. Against all the reasons he could muster, still part of him protested and pleaded, mad with fear at the idea of sacrificing this, however broken it was between them. He squashed it down ruthlessly, but still it insisted on rearing it’s head, and even coming couldn’t drive it away as he lay there still and quiet beside a Jensen who didn’t say a word.
// A week later
Jared felt slightly ridiculous, sitting there cross-legged on the floor while the person they’d been recommended drifted around the room, closing curtains and turning on music. He knew better than to underestimate her though, and her words still hung in the room. “You’ll still be legally bonded,” she said calmly, “there’s no way to change that without leaving yourself open to potential prosecution. But you’ll be separate again” While she set up the room to her optimal working conditions (apparently the dark relaxed her) she reminded them for the fourth time over the ultimate consequences of this. The loss of any psi-ability at all- and she’d explained in detail what that would mean, the impossibility of ever bonding again, no children for Jared at least, and the attendant life-changes.
For the fourth time he agreed and nodded to her words- he’d already signed every possible waiver and document necessary, witnessed by a thin lawyer who didn’t bat an eyelid at what he was being asked to sign, and Jensen murmured his agreement along as well. When everything was ready, she knelt down beside them both and placed a cool hand on each of their foreheads. As though she were a channel, Jared felt everything that Jensen was feeling at this moment- fear, excitement and a deep underlying sense of loss, and knew that Jensen could probably feel exactly the same things coming from him. He bit back the insane urge to tell her to stop this, that they’d work it out. This was what he’d asked for. This was for the best.
When he felt it actually begin, the terror increased. It felt like lights were being shut off in his brain, and without even realising it he groped for Jensen’s hand, only to find it seeking his own. This time unlike Eric’s initial probe, there was no pain, just utter blinding loss as he lost feeling after feeling, as though his neural pathways were being painlessly cauterised. His tongue felt glued to his mouth, as he fought to scream, to plead and shout no, to beg her to stop this. Words hadn’t been enough to describe this, he realised now how stupid, how foolish he’d been to think he could understand what this felt like. Then it was done, and he couldn’t feel anything. He was alone in the dark, and he felt a scream clawing it’s way up his throat. He couldn’t see anything, couldn’t hear anything, he was trapped in it.
Then the woman threw open the curtains, and light flooded in and he realised he wasn’t blind, and as his ears adjusted that he could hear. He just couldn’t feel anything. Everything he’d taken for granted his entire life had vanished. He’d joked about being null, sometimes even believed it, but hadn’t even known that there was a subconscious current of life that he picked up, around himself always- the vague presence of others, wisps of emotions that got through, that were now completely gone.
“Did you feel like this all the time?” he asked Jensen haltingly, his voice rusty and sore as though at some point he had screamed. He didn’t need to explain what he meant.
Jensen nodded. “Always,” he said. “It won’t be hard to get used to.”
Jared looked at Jensen properly, for the first time ever saw him objectively- the handsome tired face, more lined now, the eyes clear and worried as they looked at him. There was no tangle of emotion, no love, no hate, no need or lust or want between them. He looked normal, Jared realised. Like a person you could like or dislike, not someone to build up out of all proportion. He looked down and realised Jensen’s hands were still in his. All he could feel was warm skin against his own, nothing else. No pain, no pleasure, nothing else. He drew in a deep shuddering breath, and closed his eyes for a moment.
Jensen squeezed tighter for a second before he let go. “Jared,” he said quietly. “Come out on a date with me?”
Taken back by the last thing he’d ever have expected to hear, Jared blinked at him. “What?” he said, and winced at how stupid that sounded.
“You don’t have to,” Jensen, “and I don’t either. I’m asking you if you want us to find each other out better like this. No obligation.”
Already, Jared realised he had to go only on how things looked. And Jensen looked sincere, like he wanted to try this. Like they were the only two people in the world who knew exactly how this felt. Who’d been through this every step of the way. He remembered the warmth of Jensen's hand through it all, holding on tight as everything slipped away.“Yeah,” he said, hesitantly, then more firmly, ‘yeah I’d like to try that.”
THE END
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